Desperate Times – The SHTF Haircut

It was a dark and stormy night, not outside, but in my soul! I didn’t recognize the man in the mirror. Who had I become? Maybe it was a dream, or a movie sequence, like when an actor looks into the mirror and sees a reflection of ancient ancestors who lived in a primitive time. If only I had been so lucky! No, it was me. And these were desperate times. I was greatly considering that my wife would give me a haircut. Desperate times mean an SHTF haircut!

The Bushman Cometh

Listen! I know some of you reading this are rolling your eyes about now! Don’t be so condescending. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones. Or maybe your momma didn’t love you. Maybe you have a perfectly round head! Whatever! Things aren’t as easy for me. The deck is stacked against me. Let me explain.

There are a couple of issues I need to deal with concerning hair. First, I have thick hair (I see you rolling your eyes again). My hair also grows really fast. With these two things coupled together, my nicely manicured suburban hair turns into a fro. The only way that I can manage it, is with a lot of gel and hairspray. I know, I know. Call the whambulance!

Just Get a Buzz Already!

Another issue that I face, that no one knows, but it is now getting out there in the open (I fell like this is a Dr. Phil episode), is that I have a weird looking head. I have crevices and bumps all over the dome (I feel so exposed now).

This means that I can’t just buzz my hair all off. I would scare people! This isn’t Halloween season and I don’t need to be looking like Friday the 13th here without the mask! i can hear the news reports now, “we have a real life COVID-19 cell walking around Houston.”

Waiting SHTF Out

I tried waiting it out, hoping that the Coronavirus would somehow miraculously go away and the place where I normally get a haircut would open up, welcoming me with open arms and an open chair! But as the days continued on, I lost hope and realized that I needed to resort to an SHTF haircut!

What was I to do?

Video and the Internet to the Rescue?

Well, sort of. I saw a video where a girlfriend, who seems to be a hairstylist, was talking about how to give a very basic men’s haircut. The video was sent to my wife. I mean, she crafts and stuff.

She watched the video and looked up some other ones too. With a sly smirk on her face, she asked me if I was ready.

You know that pit in the bottom of your stomach? Well, mine filled up with anxiety and stress. Should I just change my name to Werewolf Todd or should I brave the knife? I mean, the clippers!

My Life Flashed Before Me

I won’t lie, I was worried. I wanted a big mirror in front of me, like I’m used to. But instead, I had to stare off into space or my kitchen, imagining the holes in my hair and the bald spots I would end up with.

I acquired a nervous laugh. I couldn’t sit still. My wife kept slapping the back of my neck like that first barber my grandfather took me to when I was a kid. Surely Amazon has full-faced N95 masks that I could order?

SHTF Haircut for the Win

Well, my wife has a way of surprising me. She does it all the time! I mean, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perfect! At least I wouldn’t immediate it! But it was good enough to be able to style my hair like normal. I wasn’t going to scare the neighbor kids after all.

We had a lot of fun….at my expense. She said it was the most fun she had during our Coronavirus Shelter-in-Place.

SHTF Haircut
Before PIC – Checkout the Fro!
After SHTF Haircut
After Pic – The wife did a great job!

Some Help for Your SHTF Haircut

So this next part isn’t for you neanderthals that just shave off every last bit of hair on your head. This next section is for those of you who are still holding out, hoping against hope. If you trust someone with some scissors or clippers around your neck, you might be able to get some fro hair relief too!

The video below gives a good overview/tutorial on how to give a basic men’s haircut. I hope you find it valuable!

Tools for Your Scalping!

Lastly, my wife wouldn’t have had “fun time with Todd” if she didn’t already have some basic tools. This whole roller coaster ride was possible because she already had some clippers, scissors and a cape. She also used my beard trimmers.

If you don’t have what you need to cut your victim’s husband and kid’s hair, this kit has everything you need, 10 comb attachments to guide the clipper as you cut & style for multiple lengths, scissors, comb, cape, cleaning brush & oil & a storage case. The kit currently costs less than $30 and has a total of 4 Stars with over 900 reviews on Amazon.

So are you brave enough for a SHTF haircut? I almost wasn’t!


3 thoughts on “Desperate Times – The SHTF Haircut”

  1. Ralph Gilmore

    My wife did such a good job, I am going back to her for the rest of my life.

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